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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in kungfujarjar's LiveJournal:

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Thursday, December 31st, 2037
11:59 pm
Writer's Block: Million Dollar Smile
What is the most amount of money the tooth fairy has given you for a tooth?
$20.00. As it turned out, my dad was fumbling in the dark and got out a 20 when he went to get a 1. Man, was my big sister jealous! Wait, that wasn't my life. That was Michelle Tanner.
11:53 pm
Actually, You Are A DJ, You Arrogant Prick
I had been watching people play the second stage all day
I'd gotten to the gate at 4 AM
I wanted to see Public Enemy
It Takes A Nation Of Millions To Hold Us Back and Fear Of A Black Planet are two of my all time favorite albums
They are both tremendous achievments in both poetry and in sound collage
As I was walking to the main stage to see Weezer's set I saw a girl wearing one of your shirts heading to the second stage to watch your set
Her shirt said "I'm Not A DJ" which is your whole pretentious asshole thing
You say you want people to think of your works as songs
I even saw a documentary about once where they lumped Negativland in with you
That is some of the most horrendous bullshit I have ever heard in my life
Negativland created actual pieces of art with a huge variety of found sound sources
They had actual atmosphere
They made you think about culture
You make me feel like I'm in a club
Listening to a DJ
Because you are a fucking DJ, ya jerk
And yet the only reason anybody knows about them is they sampled U2 and pissed off U2 with it
And they were using it for an actual original song
Like what The Avalanches do
You just threw Bono's voice onto some Radiohead and Bush music
And apparantly that's enough to be considered fair use
Unlike Negativland's actually transformative usage
On a recent recording you actually fucking sampled a vocal from Paul's Boutique
An album actually made sampling an art
Before computers did everything for people
And so you took a vocal from it
And looped David Bowie's guitar riff from an Iggy Pop song under it
Did you know that that riff was from a television station Bowie and Iggy used to watch?
Did you put it over a Paul's Boutique vocal to comment on the fact that both are forms of recontectualization and now you are combining them to create yet another new thing? And what of the fact that you also threw a Lady Gaga vocal in there? Because her name is taken from a Queen song? And the video for the song of hers you happened to be sampling recreates a scene from the Pink Floyd film, The Wall?
Oh, wait
Now I recall an interview with you saying that you are not making any kind of statement with your music
This means that just now I put way more actual thought into your shit than you do
Man, you suck
2:27 pm
Writer's Block: Children of the sun
How do you think aliens would regard our society? If an alien ship landed in your backyard, would you run away or bring a bundt cake?

Given that I don't know the cultural traditions or dietary needs of an unknown extraterrestrial race, bringing a bundt cake is presumptious at best. I think I would observe them for a time then approach them based on whether or not their actions appeared threatening.
Sunday, December 27th, 2037
12:19 pm
This is my first entry from my new laptop which I got for the Christmas!!!
Sunday, December 20th, 2037
11:36 am
Writer's Block: Welcome home
Do you prefer to live in a region with a temperate climate or four seasons, and why?

The latter. I enjoy Frankie Valli's smooth vocals.
Thursday, November 19th, 2037
5:42 pm
Writer's Block: A charming defense
If you could conjure an animal spirit protector, which animal would you choose, and why?

I would conjure Animal himself, the drummer from The Electric Mayhem. And I WOULDN'T conjure Floyd Pepper, either. My defender will not be chained...he will be free to protect me from all the threats which surround my fragile self.
Sunday, October 25th, 2037
2:38 pm
Writer's Block: Banking for Phones
Do you do any banking on your smartphone? If yes, what do you do? If not, what's holding you back?

I would say I'm being held back by not having a smart phone.
Monday, October 12th, 2037
12:24 pm
What, Me Ex Mortis?
That show changed my life
I laughed
I cried
I'm a screaming faggot
I wish I'd die
And when I think of you
I wanna slash a stranger's throat
To hang all the people who've pissed me off
There isn't enough rope
But most of them I've forgotten
Most of them I've gotten over
Most of them are lucky
Like they found a four-leaf clover
I am the Necronomicon
I am Alfred E. Neuman
Like Donny before dying
I rock the seven-ten split
When I walk into the airport
Security invariably acts like I'm there to start some terrorist shit
I'm a person of interest
But I'm as American as it gets
Barring I love retards, niggers and faggots
My love of all people has made
My love of the individual
Next to impossible
I don't wanna kill you personally
But watch out
Because even if you're just bringing back my copy of Watchmen
I'm going crazy
I'm Jason Voorhees, yo
I'm Freddy Krueger, ho
I'm Michael Myers when he tires of knifing Ms. Strode
I'm your Uncle Boogieman
Raise you like I was your dad
Crack you open like a crab
In the lab
On the slab
I've built you like my Rocky Horror
But you would you save me if I got shot in the pool?
I am the Necronomicon
I am Alfred E. Neuman
Hello, Newman
Tuesday, October 6th, 2037
5:49 pm
Actual, honest-to-God email exchange
So, this is an actual exchange between myself and a jewlery seller on amazon. I find it hilarious, so I'm posting it:

Hi. So sorry to do this, and I greatly appreciate the item arriving so quickly (the day it shipped, it seems! Thank you kindly for that) but the piece of jewlery I purchased was intended for a lady I was at the time courting and with whom my relationship has arrived at a tragic conclusion. This is mind, I was wondering what your return and refund policy might be. The piece is quite lovely and if amazon would allow me to do so at this time, I would give you and your store a perfect review for expedient service and a quality item. However, I do not know what to do with the item at this time given the circumstances.

Thank you very much,

Tony Rizzo

Here is their response:

Dear Tony,

Thank you for letting us know about the locket. You may certainly return it to the CleverEve's office at the following address:
(then they give the address)

Your RAN # is (then they give the number) Please write it on the original packing slip and please include it into your return package. We will issue you a refund through Amazon.

We hope that your romantic life will improve very very soon and wish you the best!

Getting encouragement from strangers is always good!
Saturday, October 3rd, 2037
10:46 pm
A Lot Less Killing Jedi Children And A Lot More Writing Mr. Tamborine Man
Every day is a good day to die
The Klingons say
So every day is a good day to commit homicide
And every day is a good day to think about suicide
And if you loved me
Like you love me
You'd knife me to death
While you called me Nancy
I don't mean
You'd kill me in my dreams
But in Room 100
After we fucked it up with our kitty
You never call me anymore
I lie here at night
I've never slept in this bed
I've had it for like a month
But I take the couch instead
I stare at the ceiling
And dream that from it you'd descend
But you don't call me anymore
I remember meeting you
I think it was at the ferris wheel
Or maybe the funnel cake stand
No wait it was at the movies
I'll love you all my days
But you don't call me anymore
Wednesday, September 30th, 2037
11:02 pm
My Girlfriend Sucked 37 Dicks. In A Row?
Count Orlok has this place on lock down
So don't be shocked or frown if you see me this evening
When you sleep next to me you look like WC Fields in My Little Chickadee
No woman looks like Mae West when she is too sleepy
I wanna let out your school like Alice Cooper
Be my living dead girl and I'll be your Rob Zombie
I am the Seed Of Chucky (D)
Pull the motherfucking string
Glen or Glenda
The good witch
One of these is me
Pull the motherfucking string
Monday, September 28th, 2037
10:54 pm
Let's Head On Down Into That Cellar And Carve Ourselves A Witch
I'll always be there for you
The way you are for me
But I'm
Not touching your pussy
It is too covered in herpes
But still
I love the feeling of the stubble on my chin against
The fuzz
On your anorexic body
Seriously fuck society
Punch me in the neck or anally fuck my whole life boy
Or why not do both of them simultaniously
In the morning I'm glad you left me
But I drift off to sleep I wonder if you miss me
And during the day I dream about you
Every time I taste the air
But I don't dare to call you
For fear you'll call me on all the shit I did to you
But know I never meant to do
Any of the things I've done up until this moment right now
That said it seems you probably wouldn't know me right now
I don't know me right now
And I wouldn't want to shake my hand if I met me
Knowing where the hell it's been
My gift is my song
Take it for what it's worth
It's the last time I'll sing to you
I used to love you
Wanna touch you
Wanna hold you
While I fucked you
Those days are gone
That train is sailed
All that's left is nothing at all
But that's not true
Every fifth scene in the movie of my life
Is filled with memories of you
And now I laugh
More often than I cry
When they come to mind
And from time to time
When I think of you
And know I had that time with you
I don't wanna open my wrists and throat
As strongly as I normally do.
4:36 pm
Mary Shelley's Dracula Is Your New All-Time-Favorite Band
I'm Tony Stark
And this band is my Iron Man
We are one like KISS's Psycho Circus
Theatrical metal in three dimensions
The Creature on lead vocals guides you through this theater
Seed Of Chucky D rocks the mic
The spawn of a doll of Public Enemy
Spitting any rhyme you like
Like Pink Floyd
But deeply tie dyed
Jaysin In Space To The Triple X
Rocks the turntables with the best of them
And the tables have turned
The screams of Dr. Satan
Have killed Dr. Loomis and Bono
And Ceremony Otis pounds the drums to the inferno
Of Dante
Lead guitar's got Chop To The top
The way he tears the chords
Will put a plate in your head
Like a chainsaw now your dead
And I am Lectorface
Your master of the undead
Eat my Hell
Sunday, September 27th, 2037
10:58 pm
I Know I Can Be Theatrical. Maybe Even A Little Rough. But One Thing I Am Not Is A Killer
I wish everyone I ever met was dead
Especially you
You make me feel like fermented dog shit
On the bottom of Satan's horse shoe
And it doesn't bother me
The art you help create
The only one I ever loved
May as well have been a porn star
It's just the way you treat me
That makes me fucking hate you
I wish I
Had the balls to say goodbye
I wish I
Had a gun to eat so I could die
I wish I
Had all the pills in the world
To stuff my gut
Then cut them out
With OJ's knife
But Bubba's busy
Using that shit on his wife
And if I was honest I'd know
This is the end of my life
Standing here
On a street corner
Waiting once again for you
And Jason swiped my hockey mask
Swapped it for his burlap sack
And I just don't know
Oh no
I just killed Bono like Kenny
Now who is gonna sing all that shit off Joshua Tree?
And when will you leave me
And see me for the freak
The crazy fuck who drinks pee
They've locked me away
Day after day
So no one can see me
Other than the junkies
And the ones you fuckers call crazy
Roll camera
Mock me
My life is a comedy movie
Tee hee
And at the final black out
Before the credits roll
The laughter dies
Because I'm dead
Like Radio Raheem
So D, motherfucker, D
Learn English first
Then you can judge me
Look into my face before you kiss me
Kick me in the face
Then just piss me on me
I'm a human urinal like Vanessa
Spit of me
Put out your cigarette in me
Yeah that's right you heard me
Hee hee
I almost kiss me kill me
That's pretty funny
In light of my recent homicide
With my machete
I'm gonna do me next
If someone doesn't come murder me
6:09 pm
Punk And Hip-Hop Are Dead In An As-Yet-Unsolved Murder/Suicide
Never not felt shitty
Never fully ruled out suicide
As a means to leave this city
We call Earth
Motherfuckers call it dirt
And I guess we might as well call it spaceship
It's our Millenium Falcon
And all of us are flying solo
At least for now
It's our Starship Enterprise
And all this shit takes me by surprise
As we boldly go where we have not gone before
Every passing moment
Is another inch forward
To being six feet underground
But I want the grave they bury me in
To be as shallow as I am
There is nothing to me
That lives to below the surface
Nothing I can
That I refuse to write in a jam
And my mind is a traffic jam
Of pop culture references
And crippling self hatred
It's raining outside now
But it's raining inside my soul all the time
They try to weigh the soul
But mine is harder as it's always soaking wet
So when I leave my body up through the ground
The whole cemetary is gonna turn to mud
And I'll put out the fires of Hell
For by then I'll be pure water
I wish I'd been a bigger fool
So I didn't have to be aware of what I piece of shit
I truly am
I'm slop and mud and feces
If we fed me to the swine
They would die of massive infection
I'm so filthy inside and outside
Chop my body up
After I finally open my throat
I don't want it to be known
A human body was wasted on me
Make me look like rotting meat
For that's what I've always been.
Wednesday, September 23rd, 2037
11:10 pm
I'd Like To Eat A Little Pussy If I Had Some
Miley and mutilation move your maternal mind to malcious madness
Every time you hear about them
I wish you knew what a kitten I am
But the way you paint me
My protector
I'm Hannibal Lector
A complete disgrace
I'm Leatherface
I'm Norman Bates
The most messed up mama's boy you've seen
Put me all together you've got yourself Ed Gein
You see my rebelling for no reason
So my new name is James Dean
Robin and The Jesus up on the porno screen
So chime to bells to signal the creator
To ring in the savior
Before he goes elsewhere
To redeem the niggers
Society figures
Are unfit to live outside their own minds
Though that is where they live all the time
Just keep the fucking kids off my lawn
And I won't have to break out my fucking shotgun
Go away everyone
It's not Halloween
My light's not on for trick-or-treat
I just wanna sit by myself
I wanna talk to myself
I'm not even myself
These days
I'm the end of a cigarette
Falling off
I'm Ash
And the Kandarian demons have won
No need for my sass
My days are not just numbered
They are done
And other than all the ways I hurt myself
All the tiny deaths I died
I never really had that much fun
So kiss everybody goodbye
But tell them all in the same breath
I said fuck all of them
I hate them with all my soul
As it leaves me to decay
Which it was simple that I was just a gay
Black lesbian redundant as that is
Or something along those lines
But instead I live nowhere
Instead I fit nowhere
I'm just shit and who cares
And here my tale ends
We'll see how it fares
Wednesday, September 16th, 2037
10:59 am
How Can The Devil Save Souls?
I got a round one eyed monster like Mike Wasowski
And when I look at you it gets big like Lebowski
But like the star of the Laugh Factory that thing is green with envy
But that aside every bit of me is tiny compared to the fear which you've instilled in me
Nobody has ever made me want to die this much or filled me with this much insecurity
And fuck you, you cunt, for never taking this shit seriously
I'm nothing but a walking slowly rotting bag of vulnerability
Every time I open my eyes or breath in all I am is lonely
Isolated from the human world like a little mermaid under the sea
Or a Dream Demon cast out named Freddy
So from Springwood to Woodsboro
I going to make everybody scream
In terror from the anger with which my body is fillin
I'm taking out a knife to grab a stranger by the windpipe
And with one pissed off swipe I'm spillin
His blood on the tracks like my name was Bob Dylan
And it's not a simple twist of fate that I'm leavin
For a show like Sgt. Pepper hoping to see you there
And the truth is I really cared
In those early days when we shared
But now I'm just scared
Sometimes I wish that parts of my body
Would just fall off so I never had to think about them again
Maybe if I was in pieces I could be my own friend
Maybe I face a future me like Jason in space
But until the day that I'm strong enough to just try
I'm gonna curl up in a ball bite my arm slap my ugly fucking forehead
And cry
Friday, September 11th, 2037
7:58 am
Writer's Block: My Personal Concert
If you could have any musician or band play live - just for you and your friends - who would you pick?

I don't have friends. Wacky-ass livejournal, thinkin I have friends...

At any rate, either Fall Out Boy or Public Enemy. I would say The Beatles or The Who, but half of each of those bands are dead, so that wouldn't be as much fun. A rotting Keith Moon or John Lennon can ruin your whole day. Even though I've already seen PE and FOB, it'd be pretty awesome to just sit alone in a room rockin out to "Tell That Mick He Just Made My List Of Things To Do Today" or "Black Steel In The Hour Of Chaos." Perhaps they could both perform AT THE SAME TIME!!!! I have mixed Bring The Noise with Dance, Dance and that sounded superb, so them doing it live would make me wonder how low can you to show me a little bit of spine you've saving for mattress, love.
Saturday, September 5th, 2037
11:35 pm
Writer's Block: Personality goes a long way
Have you ever been the target of cyber-bullying? What was your reaction?

Sucka, nobody in internet world would mess with the Fu Jar. If I did I would reach through the computer like the goddamn ghost in the machine or that girl from the ring or something and be all "Hey, motherfucker, you gots some words to say to me, ya green haired punk rocker, what's up?" And then they'd be all "No, I'm sorry, Mr. Kungfu Jar Jar, sir, it will not happen again!" and then I'd be all "You damn skippy it won't happen again, because I'm about to tear out your entire digestive system through your mouth!" and then I would proceed to tear out his entire digestive system through his mouth. And then I would mock its contents because he would almost with a certainty not be treating his body to a well-balanced diet. Because anyone dumb enough to fuck with a badass like me would surely not know the basics of good nutrition. And then he'd be all "Please forgive me and place my digestive system to its proper location" and then instead of doing that I would mix up his organs so they'd be all in the wrong order and then I'd hide them in my linen closet and then I'd put a tube in him so he'd have to eat through a tube. And don't think I'm goin all soft and using a tube like they give you in the hospital when you're all on life support and whatnot. Not how I get down, suga dumplin. I'm talkin about a tube as in the British public transportation system. So all he would eat for the remainder of his miserable days on this Earth our island home would be British commuters. And I'd be like "Yeah, mess with me and you doom everyone who lives in Britain and is making an effort to reduce his or her carbon footprint to an untimely death akin to that of the prisoners of Jabba The Hutt. So live with that, Sunny Pumpkin." And then I would buy some stuff on ebay.
Saturday, July 25th, 2037
9:08 pm
What the fuck is a hat party?
So, I got to therapy an hour early yesterday which meant just doin some sittin in the waitin room. For those of you who have never been to a therapy waiting room, most people don't really see the difference between the therapy waiting room and their living room. They just feel they can talk openly about anything and the people sitting around them won't hear a thing. So in the chairs near me sat a 60-year-old woman and her 80-year-old mother. The mother was the one there for treatment. She was asking a bunch of really heartbreaking questions about how long depression lasts and if not reading with comprehension was part of depression. It can be. It can also be part of being really fucking old. But then she said something that caught my ear quite by surprise. She said that they'd had a hat party. When the daughter asked if that was fun and if she'd worn a crazy hat, the mother replied that she couldn't get any joy out of that either. Now...if you're 80 years old and you can't get any joy out of a hat party...kill yourself. I didn't even know what a hat party was and I was having the time of my life just hearing the phrase. So, the mother went into therapy and I still had like 40 minutes before my appointment. I spend 20 of those minutes wresting with my conscience. What was the social procedure here? They were talking in clear earshot of me, but it clearly a private conversation. And I didn't need to know the whole history of this poor woman's mother's condition. But I needed to know what thing. So at last I manned up and inquired "What's a hat party?" I qualified my question by stating that I wasn't trying to listen in, but couldn't help but hear. "A hat party?" she asked, confused. "Yeah...she was saying they had a hat party. What is that?"
"Oh, at the retirement home. Everyone puts on a funny hat and they talk about the hats."
"Ah. Where does one get a funny hat if one lives in a retirement home?"
"You'd be surprised."
"I already am surprised, I don't even know yet."
"My dad has one with a propellor."
"Do they just bring them with them when they move in and just hope one day they have a hat party and their hilarious hat is necessary?"
"Oh, no. They have a box of them."

So...the point here is, my various suicidal faithful readers, don't kill yourself. If you live long enough, you can participate in a hat party. And if that's not a reason to live...then there is no reason to live.
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